she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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