it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
