are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
