I am in a vortex of obligation.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
