dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
