im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
