remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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