from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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