i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
