If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize