3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
