drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
