I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
