I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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