i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
