You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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