Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
i now understand why vodka
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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