Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
