It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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