Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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