have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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