at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
