I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
