Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
