I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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