You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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