Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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