You can't special order awesome
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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