our cab driver is having phone sex.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize