If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
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