I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
