the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
