i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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