You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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