Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
the day after is always just damage control
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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