The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
