it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize