You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
