i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
