My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
