god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
