i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
