My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
