my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
