ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
