Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
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