I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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