Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize