I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
My balls are so social today.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
