So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
