I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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